Jokes of the Real Old Timers

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
    "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.
    Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
    Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.
    Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
    The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
    "Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper.

MY Father, at age 93, had only the most basic needs and very few wants.
Last fall my sister-in-law, hoping to get a little help in choosing a suitable birthday gift for him, asked, "Pa, what would you like for your birthday this year?"
"Nothing," he replied.
"But, Pa," she kidded, "that's what we gave you last year."
"Well," he answered, "I'm still using it."

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, showed up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde. She knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club were all aghast.
At the very first chance, they cornered him and asked, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replied, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're astonished, but continued to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age", Bob replied.
"What, did you tell her - that you're only 50?"

Bob smiled and said, "No -- I told her I was 90."

A 65 year old man had a physical checkup. The doctor said, "You are in better shape than any 65-year-old patient I ever had. You should live a long time. How old was your father when he died?."
  The man said,"Who said he was dead? My father is 88 and works every day."
Doctor, "Well how old was your grandfather when he died?"
  Man: "Who said he was dead? My grandfather is 110 years old, and he just got married again last week."
Doctor, "Tell me why any man would want to get married at that age."
  Man, "Who said he wanted to?"

STUNNING SENIOR MOMENT:
    A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
    "You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, BPS, light-speed processing ... and," he paused to take another drink of beer ...
    The Old Fart took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young, so we invented them.
    "Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?"

The applause was resounding.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

The Jingle Contest

When opening a can of Carnation evaporated milk for your recipes just smile and think of this.
A little old lady from North Carolina had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk... with hours of hard work and little compensation.
    When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan/rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...." and she said, I know all about milk and dairy farms...I can do this!
    She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house... a man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it...."

Here is her entry:

A New Wine for Seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as Pinot More.

THE OLD MAN

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. Finding him in excellent health, the Rabbi asked, "After all these years, why don't we see you at services anymore?"

The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me. ... I don't want to remind Him!"

Maxine Becomes a Greeter at Wal-Mart

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...

About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins! The big one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they was twins? Are you blind or just stupid?"

I replied calmly, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am. I just couldn't believe anyone slept with you twice.
      Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents, because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously.
"Yes," replied the waitress.
"I'll take the special then." my wife said.
"How do you want your eggs?" the waitress asked.
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!! We've been around the block more than Once.

SMART ASS

My wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it's tough being married to a Smart Ass.

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm now at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.   ~Janette Barber

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

My husband no longer thinks of speed limits as a challenge.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away.

People no longer view me as a hypochondriac.

You're getting old if, when you bend over to tie your shoes, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Life is hard by the yard, but a cinch by the inch.

The hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of the same old ones.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

God put me on Earth to accomplish a certain number of things.
Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

I now use words like "whippersnapper", "scalawag" and "by-cracky".

We had a loud party last week, and the neighbors didn't even know it.

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

It's frustrating: I know all the answers, but nobody asks me the questions.

When I was a kid, First class US postage was 3¢.
Now, a stamp costs more than a movie, 2 gallons of gas or 3 loaves of bread did then.

I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

Old age ain't no place for sissies.   ~Bette Davis

On my 60th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
    I drove to the reservation, handed my certificate to the shaman, and wondered what I was in for.
    The old man slowly and methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will be more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you will be able to perform as long as you want."
    I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
    He replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
    I was eager to see if it worked. I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, '1-2-3!' Immediately, I was the manliest of men!
    My wife was excited and began undressing ... then she asked, 'What was the 1-2-3 for?'

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.

A Newspaper Reporter was conducting a home interview on the occassion of a man's 100th Birthday. "What is your secret for a long life?" asked the Reporter.

    "Complete and total abstinence from alcohol," replied the Oldtimer.

    Suddenly, there was a commotion from the next room! "What was that?" asked the Reporter.

    "That's Dad, come home drunk again!" said the Oldtimer.

An elderly man in Texas had owned a large farm for several years. He had a beautiful large pond at the back of the property next to the road, and he’d fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and he’d planted some nice flowers and fruit trees next to the pond.

    One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over, as he hadn’t been down there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard splashing and female voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw that 5 young women had parked their car at the side of the road, climbed the fence and were skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went hurriedly splashing to the deep end.

    One of the women shouted to him, “We’re naked and we’re not coming out until you leave!”

    The old man frowned and yelled back, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond.”   Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m just here to feed the alligator.”

Moral of the story: Old men can still think fast.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 92 now and we don't know where she is.

An airline pilot had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required him to stand at the door, smile, and give the passengers a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline," while they exited. In light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
    Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said: "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
    "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
    She asked, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

If you remember the '60s, you weren't really there.

Test for Old Kids

This is a test for us old kids! The answers are printed at the very bottom of the page.

01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind? ____________

02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on The __________________ Show.

03. "Get your kicks, ___________________."

04. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed ___________________________."

05. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, _________________________."

06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the _____________.

07. "N_E_S_T_L_E_S, Nestle's makes the very best _______________."

08. Satchmo was America's "Ambassador of Goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was ______________________.

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________

10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named _______________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, "Good Night and ____________".

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their _______________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ & ___________.

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music died." This was a tribute to _______________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. Its name was ___________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the _______________.

Answers

Best Retirement States

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where ...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that 'dry heat' is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6 The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

 
You can live in southern California where ...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

 
You can live in New York City where ...
1. You say 'the city' and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is 'nature.' 4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

 
You can live in Minnesota where ...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

 
You can live in the Deep South where ...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. 'y'all' is singular and 'all y'all' is plural.
3. 'He needed killin'' is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Ellie May, etc.

 
You can live in Colorado where ...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

 
You can live in the Midwest where ...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name 2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: 'Where's my coat at?' 5. When asked how was your trip to any exotic place, you say, 'It was different!'

 
AND You can live in Florida where ...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.