Jokes that Bill Sent Me

"Hunting flies," he responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can; 2 were on the phone."

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then he took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.
Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph! Not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver, either. He just backed his rig over three choppers."

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.

"Professionally employed?" he asked.

"We're a military family," the wife answered.

"Children?"

"Yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.

"Animals?"

"Oh, no!" she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."

Bill, Army Sgt ret., on his way to re-up:

    I'm near 75 and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. (You can't be older than 35 to join the military.) They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts! I'm hungry! Where's the remote?"

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to drink. The average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer, and a jaunt through the desert heat with a beer and an M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly. (Note there are 24 hours in a day and 24 bottles in a case...another convenient way to measure time!)

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we like soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We like them almost better than naps.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt now, "Get down and give me ... er ... one."

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his shorts sticking out. He's hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda can rupture an eardrum, and that a baseball cap has a brim to shade eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million rotten old farts with attitudes.

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

    1. All the DNA is the same.
    2. There are no dental records.

Retired People

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, "Come on man, how about giving a retired person a break?
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a "Nazi."
He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo."
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket.

This went on for 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "McCain in '08."

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Beautiful

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery; his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

Woman's Revenge

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day ... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men ... "
Finally, the preoccupied husband responded, "What?"

Women - Incomprehensible

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk ...
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello"

Woman: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

Man: "Sure ... go ahead if you like it that much."

Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked."

Man: "How much?"

Woman: "$85,000"

Man: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."

Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

Man: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Creation

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

The Stingy Genie

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women ... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment ... know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing' ... know how to make them truly happy ..."

The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

On the Other Hand

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and says sweetly,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

New Student

It was the first day of school, and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restauranteur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?

Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Martinez.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh crap, we're in BIG trouble!"

Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car, walks around to the truck driver and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

A Hell of an Improvement

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great! We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed & sneered, "Oh, really? And where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

Mafia Lawyer

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookeeper has screwed him for Ten million bucks. This bookeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden.
The bookeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Men's Favorite Perfume

Why do men go weak in the knees, get dry throats, think irrationally, their hearts beating faster when a woman wears Leather clothing?

Because . . . she smells like a new Truck!

Two biologists studying caribou in Alaska's back country got a pilot to fly them into the far north to collect some specimens. They were quite successful in their venture and had six big carcasses to take back to their lab. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six caribou. But the pilot objected and told them, "Those caribou carcasses are too heavy; the plane can only take four of them; you will have to leave two behind."

They argued with the pilot, letting him know that the year before, they had also collected six caribou and that pilot had allowed them to put all six animals aboard. This plane was the exact same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when they attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not carry the load and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one biologist said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other biologist. "It looks like the same place we crashed last year!"

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he says.
"What did he say?" asked the nurse.

"OOPS!"

World Cup joke

Ronaldino goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're shite and we can't be bothered".

Ronaldino looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldino goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 (Ronaldino 10 minutes) - England 0."

He is beating England all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on."

They put the teletext on.
"Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldino 10 minutes) - England 1 (Crouch 89 minutes)."

They can't believe it, he's single handedly got a draw against England!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldino. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down; I've let you down!"

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against England all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down ... I got sent off after 12 minutes ...
"... I'll get me coat ..."

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.

When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.

The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

Old Enough

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cursing."
The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.
The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."
"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast.
"Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step.
The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the frightened 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do You want for breakfast, young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

There is a daddy camel and a camel calf. One day, the calf turns and asks his father, "Daddy, why do we have such long eyelashes?"

The dad replies, "Well son, its to keep out the sand from our eyes when there is a sandstorm."

The little camel thinks about it and then says, "Daddy, why do we have such big feet?"

The dad replies, "Well son, its to stop us from sinking into the sand."

The little camel thinks about this, and then says, "Daddy, why do we have humps?"

The dad replies, "Well son, its because we may go for miles without finding any water so we keep it stored in our humps."

The little camel thinks about this, then eventually says, "But dad, we are in Edinburgh Zoo!"

Jack

This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for New Orleans.

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to New Orleans, there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. (pause...)
"What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

Husband at Wal-Mart

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse.
One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of Polident and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."

4. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

5. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

7. September 23: When a clerk asked if she could help him, he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

9. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

And last, but not least:
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

Regards,

Wal-Mart

How many men does it take to open a beer can?
None. The beer is supposed to be open when she brings it to him.

A Moral Story

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. So... she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break.

Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the Hell away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."

SUNDAY SCHOOL

Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, his engineers built a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour. "Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."

Chris had just turned 16, had long hair, and looked like Joe Dirt. He went to his dad and said, "Dad, it is my 16th birthday! I would like you to buy me a car for my birthday.”

So his dad replied, "Son, I will buy you any car you want as long as you raise your grades AND cut your hair."

Chris said OK.
The next week, Chris brought home a report card; he had raised his grades from C's and D's to all A's. His father was very happy! Now Chris was so excited, he told his dad what car he wanted: a cherry red convertible Mustang.

His dad said, "Chris, you haven't cut your hair."
Chris replied, "Well, Jesus had long hair."
His dad said, "Yes, he did. And Jesus walked everywhere he went."

THREE PROOFS that JESUS was JEWISH

1) He went into his father's business.
2) He lived at home until the age of 33.
3) He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

THREE PROOFS that JESUS was IRISH

1) He never got married.
2) He never held a steady job.
3) His last request was a drink.

THREE PROOFS that JESUS was PUERTO RICAN

1) His first name was Jesus.
2) He was always in trouble with the law.
3) His mother did not know who his father was.

THREE PROOFS that JESUS was BLACK

1) He called everybody "brother."
2) He had no permanent address.
3) Nobody would hire him.

THREE PROOFS that JESUS was CALIFORNIAN

1) He never cut his hair.
2) He walked around barefoot.
3) He invented a new religion.

THREE PROOFS that JESUS was FRENCH

1) He never changed his clothes.
2) He only washed his feet.
3) He didn't speak English.

THREE PROOFS that JESUS was BRAZILIAN

1) He survived on miracles.
2) He was harassed by the government and politicians.
3) He never had any money.

Now Time Religion

At one of the local parishes where attendance was on the decline ...

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked. The front of the church fills first."

The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest, "I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"I know son," replied the old man. "But that flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell', can't stay on the church roof."

DONATION

Father O'Malley answers the phone

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is."

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can."

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do."

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is."

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will."

Bravery

True bravery is when you arrive home late after a boys' night out, are assaulted by your wife with a broom, and you have the guts to ask,
"Are you cleaning up this dump, or are you flying somewhere?"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent set up, both men went in and fell sound asleep.
Some hours later Tonto waked the Lone Ranger and said, "Kemo Sabe, look to the sky and tell me what you see."

The Lone Ranger said, "I see millions of stars."

"And what does that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger pondered that for a moment and then said, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Theologically, The Lord is all powerful and we are insignificant.
And meteorologically, it seems that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you Tonto?"

"You are dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole the tent!"

A college class was told that they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions were, the short story must contain the following three things:

-Religion
-Sexuality
-Mystery

And here is the shortest story of the entire class (graded A+) :

"Good God, I'm pregnant? I wonder who did it."

Kids Today

When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, robber-teen Jimmy Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 chicken mcnuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I asked.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right."
I shook my head and ordered six mcnuggets.

The cop got out of his car, and the kid he'd stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Definition of a teenager? Life's punishment for enjoying sex.

MATH, New & Renew

Last week I got a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.

I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me back two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help and while he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this? Read on...

Teaching Math in 1950:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:

A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100.
Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M."
The set "C", the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M".
Answer this question:
What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment:
Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:

By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?

There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2000:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $120.
How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

Teaching Math in 2005:

El hachero vende un camion carga por $100.
La cuesta de produccion es ...